Sometimes we act as if we are not allowed to feel things, especially negative emotions, even though most of them are healthy and harmless. We often have assumptions about how we should respond in certain situations. These assumptions are usually ingrained in us from childhood, as we learn from the "should" and "must" statements imposed on us while growing up.
Speaking from personal experience, when I used to cry, my mother's instinct was to fix things for me. It was all about finding a solution. Some people would even offer me sweets to keep me quiet. Alternatively, if I struggled with something, others would try to make me feel superior with compliments, which surprisingly had the opposite effect! No one ever sat me down and asked the simple question, "Can you tell me more about this?" or offered any validation, such as, "It must have been difficult." I'm not alone in this; many people have similar memories.
With good intentions, we often teach our children to repress their emotions and be positive or socially desirable. But why do we do this?
These rules we internalized were meant to keep us alive. They helped us survive in a world filled with potential threats. However, we no longer face the same threats of abandonment, helplessness, or inferiority. Yet, we still experience these emotions under certain circumstances.
Have you ever tried sitting with your healthy negative emotions? It's not an easy task. You have to allow yourself to cry, be upset, and feel disappointed. It's not as fun as grabbing a mojito on an island; it's a tough but necessary process. Imagine going through a profound loss, losing someone you deeply love, and then being told to stop being negative and just be happy. How would you feel? Most likely, you'd feel angry, misunderstood, and lonely. This person seems to dismiss your emotions as if they aren't important. Should you have to suppress your feelings to make them comfortable? Certainly not.
The tricky part is that many of us may not know how to experience healthy negative emotions in a healthy way. When I talk about this, some people assume I mean practices like yoga or meditation. However, it's not about adopting new age or hippie ideas. We're not expected to become Buddha, but yes, mindfulness can help. The forgotten idea is that some things can be simple. It's about doing simple things with the right intention. If you allow your emotions to be your guests, if you allow them to teach you something important about yourself, it becomes meaningful. You can experience observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment, and you can learn to validate your emotions without getting entangled in them.
Are we here to make life comfortable for other people? Are we here to please everyone without asserting our values? If we don't share and don't allow ourselves to cry, how will we decipher the message from our body, our values, and our goals? They deserve to be heard.
Next time you feel profoundly sad, try approaching yourself with compassion, understanding, and validation. You wouldn't want to hurt yourself or disrespect and dismiss your important emotions. We're talking about nurturing your unique relationship with yourself. You've been with yourself for years, and that unique relationship has taught you everything. Let's show some compassion and nurture it.